*sigh*

A couple of minutes ago, I was utterly confused. Confused about what to get Ed for our 2nd year anniversary. I mean, what gift would rightly represent the way I feel toward him? And so, it got me thinking. Thinking about all the things we've been through in the 3 years we've known each other...

I remember the first time I met him. Vaguely, but clear enough to recall that I wasn't immediately attracted to him! *smile* He was the shy kind. Not really, but atleast around me he was. We rarely spoke, and when we did, it was always because of some superficial matter or another.

And then I remember the day I found out he had a soft spot for me. His words just put my mind and heart in turmoil. I had recently gotten together with another guy at that time, and so, I felt it was totally inappropriate! And yet, I was flattered. *sigh*

Chocolates were given, chocolates were received.
There were tears and there was laughter.
We took car rides, and we took long walks.
Secrets were shared and stories were told.

And then I came to Australia. Ed called everynight, and I reluctantly and somewhat happily, received his calls. We talked. And laughed. And cried.

I realised I had fallen for him when he went on holiday with his brother and the signal at the area was really bad. Although I knew he wouldn't be able to see the messages til very long after, I continually sent him smses just to quench my own longing . I knew there and then, that I needed him. It was just so wrong not to have him around. So empty.

And so, he asked. And I accepted. *sigh*

It's been 2 years since that fated night. Somehow, it feels longer than that. We've been through so much since then. The fights, the arguments, the tears. We've always managed to talk things through. The jokes, the laughter and the totally crack-you-up moments. We've always had our fair share of fun. The weird situations, the embarassing moments and the awkward silence. We've been through it all.

I am truly blessed. I am sure that it would be virtually impossible to find anyone as sweet, endearing, patient, loving and 'so hai' as him. He always wants what's best for me, and it obvious. He makes it known in his actions, his speech and his whole demeanour! Not to sound mushy or anything like that, but he's just so unbelievable, more than words can say!

So what can I get a guy like him? Nothing I guess. If I can't even put it down in words, how can I sum it up in a gift? That would just trivialise our whole relationship. Afterall, what's a gift in a whole series and lifetime of gifts? All I know is that no matter what the gift is, it'll never measure up to his gift of love.

*sigh*

So Yang, you've said this before, and I'm saying it back, "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be..." (Robert Browning).

A response...

Just read two very interesting posts in Genie's and Jess' blogs. While reading, I felt my inner self nodding and agreeing. Seriously, before reading this post any further, have a look at theirs.

All done? Good.

You see, I've been through both their situations. Not a carbon copy ofcourse, but similar enough to know how they feel. Before I came to Monash, I seriously had doubts. Everyone told me that Monash was just another one of those over-hyped, over-sold, over-sensationalised unis, and that my degree would be looked down upon if I graduated from there. After all, before this, I was studying in the Uni of Adelaide, and if didn't have anything else to its name, it atleast had generations of credibility.

After finally making the decision to transfer to Monash, I then realised that my degree would be a totally different one! While in Adelaide, I would have graduated with a Bachelor of Media & Communications. Instead, now in Monash, I'll be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Media and Communications & Women's Studies. Better? I didn't think so. Atleast not at first. After all, what's an arts degree in comparison to a 'real' degree, where I'd be majoring in either Advertising, Radio Production or something else which was really cool sounding. Again, a dillemma. But the deed was done and I moved to Melbourne.

During my first couple of months here, when I was finally beginning to adapt, I received news from back home that all my friends had gotten themselve some kind of job or other. My first thought was, "How unfair!". Here I am, slaving off, trying to get that degree which I'm not even proud of, and there they are, landing all my dream jobs! In fact, up til today, I can't put anything under the 'experience' section of my resume.

I was sad. No, rather, I was depressed. These negative thoughts actually forced me to do the unthinkable- have a heart-to-heart chat with my dad! For those of you who are in the know, my dad isn't exactly the kind of person you'd want to have a long chat with. He's really knowledgeable and stuff, but he's also REALLY long winded. So anyway, as the story goes, I had that chat with him. Thankfully, being the supportive person that he is, he made me realise that any education at all should be something to thank God for. So what if my uni is over-hyped? That just means that its gotten the exposure it needs. So what if my degree doesn't really make much sense? I'll just have to work harder at impressing the balls of my interviewers! So what if my friends have got experience under their belts? I'll gain mine soon enough.

You see, the bottom line is, it's a choice. It our choice whether we choose to be happy or dissatisfied with the situations we're in. At times, life is about choices (ie: me), and at times, life is just handed to you (ie: Jess). Whatever and however life is given to us, we can still make the best out of it. It just takes a lot of hard work and a lot of trust in God. It's hard to see the bigger picture now, especially when everything seems to be so different from what we planned, but that's a whole idea. It's not our job to plan, but His.

Like He said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds in the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barn, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...So do not worry saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?". For the pagan run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and all these will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

As always, He's in control. Always.

Uniquely made...

Recently, my housemate introduced me to this online game- Gunbound. At first, I felt kinda skeptical. I mean...an online game?!?! But when Ed said he'd try it out too, I told myself, "What the heck? There's nothing to lose, anyway!"

Boy was I wrong!

Not only did I lose literally! I lost heaps of time and sleep! You see, like all games, Gunbound is seriously addictive! After a few rounds, I was hooked! All I could think of, and am thinking of is Gunbound! And so, I played. And played. And played. From 9pm til the very next morning around 7am. I was hooked and revelled in it!

Now, all was fine up to a point when I realised Ed had overtaken me in Goldpoints and Ranking! I couldn't believe it! We started off at the same time, played the same amount of games, won the same amount of rounds and yet...there I was, 123 points behind him! I was pissed!

Obviously, I told him so. All the poor boy could mutter was, "Baby, this is not a competition!". True, but still, isn't unfair? My whole life has been that way! I may not show it, but I am highly competitive! But then again, aren't we all? Sure some of us may console ourselves after a lost game or match. But the point is, we wanted to win! Maybe even needed to win!

Fortunately, God created us uniquely! When I think about it, I may lose out on certain things (like Gunbound!), but he's blessed me so many other talents! So I guess there's no point competing with Ed, is there? I'll just kill him off in the next game!!! *snicker*

God's great isn't He?

Individually hegemonic choices...

Cult of the individual. We are all affected by it. Men. Women. Students. Parents. Chinese. Caucasions. Doctors. Teachers. Everyone.

What is it, you ask? It's grades. It's walls. It's trophies. It's pay rises. It's everything that privileges the individual and applauds sole success. Think of the Nobel Prize. Think of the kid who made it to Harvard. Think of your neighbour's son who received a scholarship. That's the cult of the invidual. The idea ingrained in us, that by being better than the rest, we are unique. Unique because we have choices in life. That we can choose what influences our lives. What defines our beings. We can choose what we wear. What we listen to. What we do. What we say. What we see.

How true is this? For those of us who browse through the newspaper occassionally, it is highly possible to have stumbled upon The Wedding . Afterall, it's in every newspaper, every headline- "Camilla Parker-Bowles weds Prince Charles", "Camilla, the new Duchess of Cornwall", "Charles and Camilla wed on Saturday". We can't escape it. Hegemony. We're being made to believe that the interest of the ruling class is in the interest of everyone! Seriously, I don't care if Charles married Camilla, I don't need to know that she's the new Duchess of Cornwall, I don't even want to know whether the Queen gave her approval! But does it matter? No. The interest of the ruling class is always in the interest of everyone.

Conciously or otherwise, we internalise hegemonic ideologies everyday- on race, gender, fashion, culture, values, etc. Just a couple of days ago (more like a second ago!), I caught myself regurgitating all that I had absorbed. I judged a girl based on her fashion sense. I immediately came to the conclusion that she had to be a good-for-nothing, lowdown, cheap slut for having worn a revealing top and a barely there skirt. Afterall, isn't the current fashion trend based on the 'multi-layered' look? Come to think of it, there was another girl who was wearing this totally hideous....oops,there I go again. Hegemony at play.

But try as I may, it's not a simple task. It's difficult trying to overcome ideologies which are now part of me. What makes me unique. What makes me, me. Or so I think.

Cult of the individual? Hegemony? Freedom of choice?

Confusing isn't it?

Mental block...

"Jika kau fikirkan kau boleh, kau pasti boleh melakukan. Jika kau fikirkan ragu-ragu, usaha tidak menentu!"

Weird as it may seem, that's been one of my life's mantra since....well...I first heard the song! Ironically, though I repeat it over and over again (to myself, and to others!), I never seem to believe it! Somehow or rather, I fail to believe that I can.

Most of my friends would know that I'm not the sporty type. Never have been. Thus, as a challenge to myself, my new year's resolution was to pick up a couple of sports! Like most things though, it's easier said than done! Announcing to the world that I'd pick up a sport or two is definitely easier than picking up a ping pong bat, or shooting hoops. Though generally I'm a confident person, I've never believed in my own sporting abilities. All my life, I've told others that, "I can't play a single sport! I'm just too unco!", "Sports isn't my kinda thing, I'd rather just read", "Play with you guys? Nah, I think I'll just sit here on the bench!". So can you imagine the incredulous look on my boyfriend's face when I joined him for a game of soccer?!?!?

A couple of night's ago, my housemates planned a lil' midnight soccer game and invited me along. I'm guessing they invited me as a spectator and not a player! Nonetheless, that didn't stop me from screaming (literally!), "I wanna play too!". The words were out of my mouth before I realised the consequences of my stupidity! Afterall, who am I to play with a bunch of guys who would no sooner jump off a building than take pity and show mercy on a female player? As you would imagine, my brains started reeling soon after I spoke those 4 words! "What do I do?", "How do I play this game?", "I can't even run!", "I don't have the stamina!".

The beginning of the game was a lil' awkward. I kept chasing after the ball but ducked as soon as a ball was headed my way. I seriously felt like giving up. Fortunately, being the supportive boyfriend that Edwin is, he said, "Just go ahead and kick them! Don't worry, it doesn't hurt! You're doing well!" Funnily enough, as soon as I stopped worrying and told myself I could, I played like a pro! That might be overstating it, but nevertheless, I played my heart out! I scored a hattrick and felt on top of the world!

So, it just goes to show that, the greatest barrier is that which lies in the mind....

Rethinking Appreciation...

"Once upon a time, a Boy met a Girl. Like every boy-meets-girl story, they fell in love. Or so the Boy thought. Boy went overseas to study. Boy kept in contact with Girl. Boy asked Girl to be his girlfriend. Girl accepted. Boy was ecstatic. Boy worked hard to save up extra cash to bring Girl over. Girl came over. Boy gave Girl everything Girl wanted. Clothes. Make-up. Jewellery. Yet, Girl still not happy. Boy unsure why. Boy and Girl had big argument. Girl broke up with Boy. Boy sad. Very sad."

The above story may sound cliched and a little dry, but nonetheless, it's true. It happened to one of my friends. Believe me, he's still sore over the whole issue. Afterall, wouldn't you be if you spent that amount of time and effort just to watch it go to waste? Why didn't the girl respond more positively? There are plenty of reasons, I'm sure. Maybe there was no attraction? Maybe she didn't feel the same way? Maybe she was just using him?

Funnily enough, most of us have been that girl before. Some of us even are. Isn't that how we treat God at times? There He is, lavishing His love on us, walking with us through the dark alleys of our lives, giving us everything we need and more and yet, we turn our backs on Him. Isn't it true that sometimes it's just so hard to stop and say thank you? How about coming up with that extra dollar for tithes and offering? Not to mention the amount of commitment needed to participate in His family. And remember the time we were too busy to just sit down and talk? If Boy is still sad over Girl, imagine how God must feel.

Something to think about, eh?