Best friends forever...

Best friends forever.

I used to have that kind of relationship with someone. The kind of relationship which people envied. Where we knew what each other thought without having to utter a word. A relationship that was based on love, trust and commitment. We had a one-of-a-kind, out-of-this-world, I'd-willingly-die-for-you, kind of friendship. Just him and I.

Cruelly, things have changed since then.

Now, I rarely speak to him. I no longer know what he thinks or how he feels. I barely even remember the good times we've spent together. In fact, in recent days, I have spent so little time with him, it's no wonder I find it hard to even recognise his voice. It's not that I wanted things to be this way. Trust me, I didn't and don't.

Each night, before I sleep, I miss him 'til my heart aches. I know he misses me back.

I've tried speaking to him, but it's different. He's remained exactly the same. So it's got to be me.

The weirdest thing about all this? Having to hear others tell me about him.

I knew him darn it! I knew him so well! I loved him! I had a special bond with him. He was my best friend. We were best friends forever! We were best friends forever...

I know you still love me. I know you're there waiting for my return. I do want to know you again. I don't want to hear about you anymore. I want to know you again. Help me get to know you again. I need to know you again. I want us to be best friends forever.

You are my best friend forever.

Amen.

Past vs. Present...

Have you ever felt as though reality fails to measure up to your memories as you grow older? I certainly felt that way last night...

After an absence of 3 years from the clubbing scene, I decided it was time I rejoined the 'happening' party-goers and re-establish my presence in a club. After much cajoling and persuasion, my very reluctant boyfriend caved in and gave me the go-ahead. All geared up, I excitedly awaited Friday night and skimmed through the week like a zombie on drugs!

When Friday finally approached, I was ecstatic! I mean...it's been what? 3 years? I know, I know, I sound like a total 'kampung girl'. Just forgive me and go on reading kay?

Annnnnyyyywayyyy...I actually attended cell group and hoped it'd end sooner! Sad and bad, but true (feeling guilty now!). Immediately after cell, I rushed home, got changed, dabbed on some eyeshadow and literally ran to the car. The trip to the club, almost killed me! I was like, "Are we there yet? Are we? Are we?" Finally, after 30 minutes of my whining, we arrived. Bravely, I conjured up a facade that belied my excitement and cooly cruised into the club.

What a disappointment that was! Not only was the club almost empty, the lights were too bright and the music too soft! Fortunately, after an hour or so, the club began to fill up, the music started blarring, the lights were turned low and it felt like a real clubbing scene. Funnily enough, when that happened, I noticedI wasn't really into the swing of things! It just seemed so...dull! Don't get me wrong here, the company was great, the music was good and the enviroment was superb, but I just wasn't enjoying myself. It was then that I realised I had totally blown up the whole picture in my mind! That's what three years does to you! You keep piling and adding and colouring the picture til it gets so monstrous that anything being compared to it would pale in comparision!

I guess that's how life is isn't it? We remember the good, continually replaying it in our minds til at times, we find it so hard to face the not-so-pretty reality before us. It's always good to hold on to the good times, but when we start reconfiguring it to our liking, that's when the memories should be pushed backwards and the Present take center stage! Isn't it sad to think that we may miss out on the best life has to offer, just because we placed it along side our blown-up, distorted, unreal, "memories"?

Starting today, I'm going to live each day as it comes, despite what I've experienced in the past...

Viewing love through rose-tinted glasses...

I’m disturbed.

Earlier this evening, while driving down to the city, Ed and I were singing a Chinese song which lyrics spoke of eternal love. Being the realist that she is, my mum scoffed and said, “If anyone sang that song to me, I’d laugh!” Slightly bewildered, I questioned her.

After short pause, she answered, “There’s no such thing! Hah! I bet no one would even die for their loved ones let alone speak of eternal love!”

Quick to differ, I argued that many would willingly lay down their lives for their loved ones. After all, you see it in the movies all the time, right? Stressing her point, she said that if she were asked to die for her children, she’d do it without a moment’s thought, but to die for her spouse was out of the question. To her, people who’d die for their spouse or partner were “weird” and had a distorted perception of love. Unhappy with the answer, I then turned to Ed and asked if he’d die for me. Predictably, he said yes, gave me a peck on the forehead, shook his head and called me silly.

Am I really being silly? Is it unnatural to want to die for one’s partner or spouse? If I were to be honest, I probably wouldn’t. But then again, I’d want my boyfriend or husband to willingly die for me. Selfish, huh? My mum seems to think so.

Well, despite what she thinks, I choose to believe that such a love does exist. I choose to believe that people are willing to lay down their lives for the one they love. And I choose to believe that two people can share a love that surpasses time. So what if I choose to live in a romanticized version of life? *grin*

Oh well…

To Bunny or not to Bunny?

Is it just me, or is studying a really hard thing to do?

Every year I tell myself the same thing,

"Next year will be better!" "I'll start studying earlier!" "I'll make notes in class." "I'll pay attention. Promise!" "I'll go for my lectures" "No more last minute work."

Yet every year, I find myself stuck in the same situation,

"Is it due already? So soon?" "Oh no! I think I'm gonna fail!" "What do I do now? What do I do now?" "Help! Help!" "Don't freak out. Breathe..." "I'm so dead!"

Is it a necessary cycle, or am I just a sucker for the adrenaline rush? Sure, I mean the rush is exhilarating and it does get work done, but some extra time would be nice. I wouldn't mind letting my essays sit in the drawer for a couple of days before I hand them in. I wouldn't mind feeling more confident before I enter the exam hall. I wouldn't mind actually reading the books I 'supposedly' quoted from. I wouldn't mind doing some 'actual' research. Heck, I wouldn't mind the extra sleep!

So what is my problem? Maybe it's the Bunny-syndrome. Confused? Let me explain.

My rabbits (Peanut and Butter) are both really intelligent. Seriously. They are potty-trained, they know not to leave the room even when the door is left ajar, they know not to jump on the bed, they know not to spill their food, they know heaps of stuff! But there's one thing they know they shouldn't do, but do it anyway...chew on wires. To date, they've bitten off my speaker wires, my mouse wire and have attempted to chew through my handphone charger. I've tried everything from cajoling them to punishing them, but nothing seems to work! I've even set up borders around the wires, but they still manage to jump over them. I guess that's their (and my!) problem. We always end up doing what's wrong, even when we know what's right.

Or then again, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way? Maybe... I could learn a thing or two from them. Like how to be more determined and driven? Maybe the Bunny-Syndrome isn't half bad. Hmmm...*ponders* Oh well, too late for that now! Time to head the books!

I'm sure next semester will be better, right?

Here I go again...

Once in a lifetime....

"Today is a special day, because 05/05/05 comes only once in 1000 years. And it being 'Thursday (5th Day of the week), comes once in 7000 years! It happens only once in our lifetime. Wishing you a wonderful day and years ahead!"

Today, I received this message through my MSN. I just thought it'd be nice to remember it. What better way to do it than by posting it on my blog?

Cool, huh?

But then again, isn't every memory, experience, action, speech, movement, occasion, emotion and thought, something that happens once in a lifetime?

*sigh*

A couple of minutes ago, I was utterly confused. Confused about what to get Ed for our 2nd year anniversary. I mean, what gift would rightly represent the way I feel toward him? And so, it got me thinking. Thinking about all the things we've been through in the 3 years we've known each other...

I remember the first time I met him. Vaguely, but clear enough to recall that I wasn't immediately attracted to him! *smile* He was the shy kind. Not really, but atleast around me he was. We rarely spoke, and when we did, it was always because of some superficial matter or another.

And then I remember the day I found out he had a soft spot for me. His words just put my mind and heart in turmoil. I had recently gotten together with another guy at that time, and so, I felt it was totally inappropriate! And yet, I was flattered. *sigh*

Chocolates were given, chocolates were received.
There were tears and there was laughter.
We took car rides, and we took long walks.
Secrets were shared and stories were told.

And then I came to Australia. Ed called everynight, and I reluctantly and somewhat happily, received his calls. We talked. And laughed. And cried.

I realised I had fallen for him when he went on holiday with his brother and the signal at the area was really bad. Although I knew he wouldn't be able to see the messages til very long after, I continually sent him smses just to quench my own longing . I knew there and then, that I needed him. It was just so wrong not to have him around. So empty.

And so, he asked. And I accepted. *sigh*

It's been 2 years since that fated night. Somehow, it feels longer than that. We've been through so much since then. The fights, the arguments, the tears. We've always managed to talk things through. The jokes, the laughter and the totally crack-you-up moments. We've always had our fair share of fun. The weird situations, the embarassing moments and the awkward silence. We've been through it all.

I am truly blessed. I am sure that it would be virtually impossible to find anyone as sweet, endearing, patient, loving and 'so hai' as him. He always wants what's best for me, and it obvious. He makes it known in his actions, his speech and his whole demeanour! Not to sound mushy or anything like that, but he's just so unbelievable, more than words can say!

So what can I get a guy like him? Nothing I guess. If I can't even put it down in words, how can I sum it up in a gift? That would just trivialise our whole relationship. Afterall, what's a gift in a whole series and lifetime of gifts? All I know is that no matter what the gift is, it'll never measure up to his gift of love.

*sigh*

So Yang, you've said this before, and I'm saying it back, "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be..." (Robert Browning).

A response...

Just read two very interesting posts in Genie's and Jess' blogs. While reading, I felt my inner self nodding and agreeing. Seriously, before reading this post any further, have a look at theirs.

All done? Good.

You see, I've been through both their situations. Not a carbon copy ofcourse, but similar enough to know how they feel. Before I came to Monash, I seriously had doubts. Everyone told me that Monash was just another one of those over-hyped, over-sold, over-sensationalised unis, and that my degree would be looked down upon if I graduated from there. After all, before this, I was studying in the Uni of Adelaide, and if didn't have anything else to its name, it atleast had generations of credibility.

After finally making the decision to transfer to Monash, I then realised that my degree would be a totally different one! While in Adelaide, I would have graduated with a Bachelor of Media & Communications. Instead, now in Monash, I'll be graduating with a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Media and Communications & Women's Studies. Better? I didn't think so. Atleast not at first. After all, what's an arts degree in comparison to a 'real' degree, where I'd be majoring in either Advertising, Radio Production or something else which was really cool sounding. Again, a dillemma. But the deed was done and I moved to Melbourne.

During my first couple of months here, when I was finally beginning to adapt, I received news from back home that all my friends had gotten themselve some kind of job or other. My first thought was, "How unfair!". Here I am, slaving off, trying to get that degree which I'm not even proud of, and there they are, landing all my dream jobs! In fact, up til today, I can't put anything under the 'experience' section of my resume.

I was sad. No, rather, I was depressed. These negative thoughts actually forced me to do the unthinkable- have a heart-to-heart chat with my dad! For those of you who are in the know, my dad isn't exactly the kind of person you'd want to have a long chat with. He's really knowledgeable and stuff, but he's also REALLY long winded. So anyway, as the story goes, I had that chat with him. Thankfully, being the supportive person that he is, he made me realise that any education at all should be something to thank God for. So what if my uni is over-hyped? That just means that its gotten the exposure it needs. So what if my degree doesn't really make much sense? I'll just have to work harder at impressing the balls of my interviewers! So what if my friends have got experience under their belts? I'll gain mine soon enough.

You see, the bottom line is, it's a choice. It our choice whether we choose to be happy or dissatisfied with the situations we're in. At times, life is about choices (ie: me), and at times, life is just handed to you (ie: Jess). Whatever and however life is given to us, we can still make the best out of it. It just takes a lot of hard work and a lot of trust in God. It's hard to see the bigger picture now, especially when everything seems to be so different from what we planned, but that's a whole idea. It's not our job to plan, but His.

Like He said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds in the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barn, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...So do not worry saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?". For the pagan run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and all these will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

As always, He's in control. Always.